Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
