highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
