I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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