Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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