we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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