I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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