hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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