Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
