her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
