and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
