You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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