I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
