i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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