The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
