this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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