I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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