Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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