He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize