I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
