I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
