Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
