its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize