I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
