well I can't set my house on fire every night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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