Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
