Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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