I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
