I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
