i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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