this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
