Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
