Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
