why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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