i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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