I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize