I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
