I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize