I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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