Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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