Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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