I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
