his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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