"it" just moved
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
