Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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