Please, let me fuck your mom
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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