I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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