im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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