Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
