Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize