The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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