i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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