Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
