ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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