My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I did not marry a roomba.
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