What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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