i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
