just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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