Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
