I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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