haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
