hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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