Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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