my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
