i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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