Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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