what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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