I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
