did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
