my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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