I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
