I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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