Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize