hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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