4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
